Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Playmates of the Year - 2009

Every year since Playboy's 50th anniversary, I line up the centerfolds of the year and make snarky comments. For wittier comments and uncensored (and really big) photos, head over to Electronic Cerebrectomy.

The year is 2009 and the playmates are white, white-er and white-est. There are three Crystals, six blondes and six non-blondes. Strangely, there are four centerfolds that are not smiling (and only one is attempting sultry) and three that are not exposing their breasts. Boobies are trending toward natural, the butts are bountiful and for a bunch of naked chicks there is almost no sexual tension.

Miss January
Dasha Astafieva
The darkest flavor of the month, Dasha is almost caramel or maybe a very pale olive.

Miss February

Jessica Burciaga

When I was a kid, I dreamed of wallpapering my room with old centerfolds and installing a gigantic make-up mirror with big lights.

Miss March
Jennifer Pershing
Ten hut! The General's on base and my missle is locked and loaded. She looks like she's mad that you soiled her life's work. If I were you, I would run and hide.

Miss April
Hope Dworaczyk

I got nothing except that it looks like they did the photoshoot in my apartment (and that's a camel toe not a gorilla paw).

Miss May
Crystal McCahill
A sweet 1950's pose. Your dad probably banged her mother while my dad was over in Korea eating pickled cabbage.

Miss June
Candice Cassidy
She's cute but she definitely has that Fox News reporter look. "And now with more on Sheik Obama's plan to quadruple the tax on oil, our own Fox News political analyst, Candy Cassidy."

Miss July and August
Karissa and Kristina Shannon
Texas twins! Or not, still 100% barely aged beef.

Miss September
Crystal Phillips

She looks just like my brother's wife's younger sister, except with long reddish hair that doesn't smell like Marlboros, a smoking body, two eyebrows, teeth and perfect skin. Okay, so her pillow looks just like my brother's wife's younger sister's pillow.

Miss October
Lindsey Evans

This one has less curves than a straight line. She's so angry that they're exploiting her that she may not even DP Hef and David Spade.

Miss November
Kelley Thompson

My personal favorite, Kelley looks like she could star in her own Nickelodeon sitcom. Also, I got to use unusual images for her unusual naughty bits.

Miss December
Crystal Harris
That's a lot of spunk or a lot of hairspray. I'm betting on spunk.

2009 Yearly Summary

2 chocolate kisses
1 landing strip
1 light bulb
1 back bacon
2 pimples
2 bowling balls
1 camel toe
1 golden raisin
1 Fox News logo
2 100% Texas Beef logos
2 strawberries
2 wood floors
2 peaches
2 puffy marshmallows
1 Hitler's moustache
2 silver dollars

Sadly, another year goes by without the use of an Oscar Gamble.


  1. Bobby,

    Less curves than a straight line? Jesus, that is lame.


    She has less curves than a North Dakota highway.

    Because North Dakota Highway 46 is famous for being America's straightest road.


  2. Bill,

    Lame was my goal, dude.


    She has less curves than a seven eleven.

    Straight line is starting to look better.